What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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