Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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