My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
