if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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