I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
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She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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