he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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