You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
