yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
