If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
