I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And then he peed in my hair
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