did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
