I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
