wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
