Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The adults are the big ones right?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
