Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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