you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
