Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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