I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Holy sore nipples Batman
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
