I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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