Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
