Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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