Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
