3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
