you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
