All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
