My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
drinking out of a sandbucket again
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
