if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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