I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
