I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
