Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
