Four minutes until I can fart!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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