they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
