Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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