she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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