I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
