Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
