tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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