you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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