He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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