just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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