I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i now understand why vodka
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
