He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
