Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
