we have officially lost it.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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