I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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