Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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