Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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