i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
