Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
