Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
