yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
