So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
