I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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