sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
