If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
