I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she pinky promised me she was 18
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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