i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
