The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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