Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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